By Thien Tang
In my 20’s I exercised a lot, didn’t smoke, didn’t drink much, and was in pretty good shape. Somehow though, I got hypertension. I cut out salt. It had no effect on my blood pressure. I cut out saturated fats, including eggs. No effect. Finally, I cut out meat. But to balance things out I had more bread, rice and pasta, and upped my fruit intake. Basically I went vegan. Then my blood pressure skyrocketed up. Ugh! Hypertension continued into my 30’s. Then suddenly when training for an Ironman I decided to get my body use to burning fat as a fuel instead of glycogen. I cut out all fruit and carbs. I consumed lots of meat, fat, eggs and salt. Lo and behold my blood pressure normalized. WTF?! I tell you, stay away from veganism. It’s evil! By default, if you’re a vegan, well then you’re evil too. And here’s 10 reasons why…
You’re not thinking properly. How did man, unlike animals, evolve the cognitive capacity to consider the ethics of eating animals? Part of the answer is …by eating animals. Dense in energy and easy to digest, meat (especially when cooked) provided the fuel for evolving a big brain. Bigger brains made it possible for us to morally decide not to kill animals. As a vegan you’re slowly losing this higher processing power once afforded by meat. Perhaps that’s why you can’t logically decide to switch back anymore. Overtime this deteriorates into narcissism, egotism and dogmatism about not eating meat. Yes we can think without it. But we think better with it.
You don’t respect Mother Nature. There’s a natural order of life. Lions kill zebras. Wolves kill deer. Sharks kill humans. Even chimpanzees, our closest relative, hunt to kill and eat other animals such as bush pigs, monkeys and small antelopes. Yet eating meat was not a necessity for their survival. Is Mother Nature wrong or immoral then? Making a judgement against killing for food is implying that nature is somehow unnatural. Forget the nature-loving hippie stereotype, vegans are disconnected from nature. There is a cycle of life (and death) of which we’re all a part, and eating meat honors that.
You judge humanity. Well you’re might say, “Sure, chimps may eat meat but we’re not monkeys you idiot!” To which I say, “Chimps are apes, not monkeys.” Also no archaeological or anthropological search has ever uncovered a totally vegan hunter-gatherer society. In fact whenever or wherever animal foods were available they were always the preferred choice. The Inuit of the Arctic, the Masai of East Africa, and the Kyrgyz nomads of Afghanistan had a diet of close to 100% animal products. Veganism is a recent phenomenon. For 200,000 years that modern man existed he ate meat. Unless vegans have evolved to be a new species they are an anomaly of humanity.
You’re ungrateful for your god given gifts. We’re lucky to have teeth and digestive system that’s adapted to being omnivores. Omnivores are rare! We can eat like a lion and eat like a cow. But we’re not omnivores by choice, hence we need variability in the food supply. That’s how we became omnivores in the first place. A vegan diet slowly kills off the enzymes and gut flora bacteria that are needed to digest meat protein. 4 million years in the making by your ancestors for their survival. And you just want to de-evolve this rare gift away. Talk about ungrateful!
You’re a hypocrite. You kill mosquitoes and insects- “they’re not sentient after all,” you say. Then mice in your house – “well, they’re dirty and they can spread diseases.” Then rabbits –“there’s millions of them and they’re a pest to crops.” Then your dog – “he was in pain and suffering, he had to be put down.” Then another human being –“it was purely for self-defense.” Then so on and so on. Soon the list of justifications, like the animals get bigger. Don’t even get me started on the “vegetarians” who eat fish!
You’re fake! Tofukey, fakin’ bacon, mock duck, vegan eggs, faux meatballs, meat-free hotdogs, pseudo- patties, veggie burgers. They’re all derived from soy. Any soy-based meat replacements are heavily processed. Wheat gluten and chemicals are used to get the mock taste and texture of meat. If you are what you eat then you’re pretty much a fake! …and a sick toxin-laden one at that. Why not just be authentic and eat a real burger? On top of that, the nutritional deficiencies associated with a strict vegan diet makes supplements and vitamin pills a necessity. Yay! More artificial substances for your body.
You hate the environment. Corn, soybean, wheat, barley, rice, and pulses are staples of a vegan diet. Growing these crops where there would normally be grass destroys the topsoil and waterways, requires fossil fuels, and decrease levels of biodiversity. Pastured grassland for grazing sequesters carbon as oppose to releasing it the way row-cropping does. After livestock, rice agriculture represents the biggest man-made methane source. If you really do care about the environment, maybe remove rice from your diet as well.
You condone animal cruelty. The real ones leading the charge against inhumane treatment of animals are those meat-loving paleo people. They know that grass-fed, pastured raised livestock have higher levels of healthy omega-3s, and are not subjected to chemicals like hormones and antibiotics. What’s good for animals is good for them. So even if it’s from a selfish position of being healthier, they vote with their feet by paying a premium for free range sustainably raised meat from small local farmers. It’s a form of activism that strikes against commercial farming methods. You on the other hand shout for animal welfare only from the side-lines. Get in there vegans!
You think you’re different but you’re really not. Diets in both camps can be unhealthy, chemically-laden and highly processed. Coca cola and potato chips qualify as a vegan diet too. Likewise, the health-conscious versions of vegan and paleo diets look an awful lot alike. For both, vegetables are good, organic vegetables are better. Nuts and seasonal fruits are good. Fast food, cow’s milk, and processed food is evil. Natural sustainable whole food is best. Both groups care where their food comes from. They both want happy well-treated animals. Same principles. Different labels. So stop fighting against the wrong side!
You kill more animals. An average cow weighs 288 kilograms, producing 68% boneless meat. Even If you ate half a kilogram of grass fed beef every day you would only kill 0.9 animals a year. Eating pastured meat kills far fewer animals than a vegan grain-based diet because there are no “tractor kills” in grass-fed agriculture. Behind every vegan hot-dog are dozens of fuzzy mice, turtles, snakes, and bugs that were mowed down by tractors and farm equipment, including the birds and animals who feed on them. It results in a “blitzkrieg” of the native ecosystem. You know, some of those bunnies have faces!!
You probably hate yourself. Vegan diets are at many times thinly disguised eating disorders. A convenient cloak to allow the disease to flourish in secret. “Oh, sorry. I can’t eat that – I’m Vegan!” is really saying, “I’m not worth the impact I have on the planet.” It’s saying, “I don’t have self-love.” Even when there’s no self-esteem issues, many long-term vegans suffer from anemia and are multi-vitamin/mineral deficient. Realize that having more energy, listening to your body, and feeding it accordingly allows you to do more for the planet and its life forms. So love yourself and others enough to eat meat.
So is veganism that bad for you? I don’t know. I can only tell you what worked for me. And that’s grass-fed meat and lots of saturated fat. It’s given me more get-up-and-go than ever. If you’re frequently feeling lethargic then maybe it’s time to free your inner caveman. Most would advise you to dip your toes back in the water. Just have fish or chicken broth or something. I say fire up the grill and go primal. Eat with your hands. Feel the meat’s life giving energy, and relish its connection with nature. We’re all animals at the end of the day.
Source: Thought Catalog
PS: This is Satire x